Never Been In Love
by 2shy the Shippy
Summary: Oneshot. 'To know that I'm losing you...it hurts like hell.' Mulder croaked out.He bit his lip, so he wouldn't cry.He would shed a few tears, but wouldn't cry. UST set around scully's cancer


Mulder watched as Scully's form rise and fell as she slept. _'God, she looked tired even as she slept. Is that even possible.' _Mulder thought to himself as he looked at Scully. Tears slowly crept their way down Mulder's face and he didn't bother to wipe them off.

"Hey, Scully, how's it been holding up?" Mulder said as he stood by the window and looked out as the rain poured down. He knew that she couldn't hear him because she was sleep, but it helped ease his pain.

"Fine, as usual, huh? That's good. Well, I haven't been doing so good myself." Mulder leaned his head against the windowpane. "You see, I haven't been taking your cancer well since I first found out. To know that I'm losing you …it hurts like hell." Mulder croaked out. He bit his lip, so he wouldn't cry. He would shed a few tears, but he wouldn't cry. He had to be strong for himself, for… Scully. But, he couldn't help it because it was too unbearable. This hurt too much for him to hold back his tears.

Mulder walked over to Scully's bed and looked at her. Scully was pale and looked weak. Mulder pulled a chair over by the bed to sit in it, and then took Scully's hand in his.

"It shouldn't hurt this bad, Scully." Mulder shook his head. "I knew that I would be hurting because I would be losing my partner and best friend, but what I feel like I'm losing is soul mate. That Melissa woman was not my soul mate because you are."

"Did you know, Scully, that I've never been in love? Until, now that is. Yes, Scully, I said it. I'm in love with you. I've always been, but I just now realized it. Now you are about to die of cancer and I'm going to be alone again. Everyone I love leaves and now it's you. Maybe if I didn't love you I wouldn't feel this way." Mulder turned Scully's hand around, and then kissed the palm of her hand. "But, that's impossible because it was inevitable that I fell in love with you. You're beautiful, smart, brave, and everything I'm not. You make me want to be a better person. I guess you already have in some ways."

Mulder was silent for a while, and then began to talk again. This time he was talking in a slow and quiet tone. "I had a dream, Scully, actually several. The dream was about us and we were on this beach. We were always at the beach just in time for twilight and this calm warm breeze would blow. You looked so radiant. Your hair was long and a very deep shade of red. We would talk and I could always hear you laugh and see you smile. You were genuinely happy and I was the cause of it." A small smile played on Mulder's lips as he said this. "I held your hand as we walked along the beach and just before the twilight would end, we would make love. The moment would always be perfect. And I would always look into your eyes and see that you truly loved me. The love we made wouldn't last for hours, but days. After we were done, we would lay in each other's arms and I could hear your heartbeat keeping time with mine."

"I always told you how much I loved you and I showed it. Little things like this." Mulder said, as he tenderly kissed each knuckle on her hand. "For some reason that drove you wild. I know it's all a dream, but sometimes it feels so real. What you make me feel in my dreams are so intense that I think that they are reality. But, it's obvious that it isn't."

"I wished I could've told you that I was in love with you sooner. I wish I could have known sooner. If I did know, I would've told you. But, now I can't. I couldn't tell you that I love you while you are about to die." Mulder didn't believe that Scully was going to die. He honestly didn't, but it hurt him to see her so close to death. It hurt him to see that she was looking death in the eye. And he knew that Scully was trying to come to terms with her upcoming 'death'. If Mulder told her that she wasn't going to die that would hurt her and Mulder didn't like hurting Scully. Even though Mulder knew that she wasn't going to die, he had to do this so Scully could cope the best she could. Mulder knew that Scully wasn't going to die the same way he knew that Melissa wasn't his soul mate. His heart. He could feel it deep down in his soul and it was something he couldn't dismiss.

"But, we when meet in another lifetime I will always tell you that I love you. I can't tell you now because it would only make your death harder and destroy the both of us in the process." Mulder believed the first part whole-heartedly and the second part was just so she understood how much he cared for her. He would want to make her 'death' easy. Also, Mulder thought that her death would actually be a rebirth for her or something. Mulder was telling her this because he needed to tell her and she was the only who could understand, even if she didn't know what he said. She always knew even if she didn't know. Scully have had these feelings even if she didn't want to admit them.

Mulder was glad she didn't wake up, even though he secretly wished she did. He didn't know how to feel and he was so confused. But, everything was confusing nowadays.

"I never knew that love could hurt this much. My love for you is not enough to keep you alive." Mulder honestly believed that Scully wouldn't die. 99.9 of him did, but it still that .1 of him that thought what if she died. Mulder couldn't take it anymore he had to leave. He got up and kissed Scully's forehead. "Bye, Scully, I'll see you tomorrow." He silently whispered. He reluctantly let go of her hand and walked out of her room.

Mulder drove to Scully's apartment like he did every night since she was in the hospital. He took a shower, and then lay in her bed. He refused to sleep on Scully's couch because that reminded him of his loneliness when he didn't know that he was in love with her. Laying in Scully's bed made him feel closer to her. Even though, Mulder knew he wouldn't get to sleep, he closed his eyes. As he did that, tears fell from his eyes, but he wouldn't wipe them because he wasn't ashamed of his love for Scully.

THE END

Reviews welcomed!

A/N: Sorry about mistakes of any kind in this story. The Melissa I was referring to was the episode 'The Field Where I Died'. I knew her last name, but couldn't spell it. And sorry if it was confusing.


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